A story I wrote. Title: The Eternal Towers - Tropaion

[TenkoYai_Yuki]

Chapter 0 - The Towers

I saw as my friend kneeling over me crying, all I could think about was her “get up... please” she yelled.

Me “ ... “

Screaming at the top of her voice (lu!?) She Started to Break down.

I saw her face, some how I can tell what she was thinking “he protected me but I was useless, I couldn't protect him"



She yelled again “ lu! get up” she was crying but managed to say “its not funny” she worries too much about me.
“are you hurt?" I said with a weak smile.

“I'm fine don't worry, I called the Med team, they'll be here soon” she said with tears running down her face “you'll be ok...” shaken and crying with down cast eyes.

“ I'm glad...” I said as my eyes started to close, I'm really tired.

“hang in there!!!…, don't die!!!” she said hugging me, even as everything went dark I could still hear her somehow.

Narrator: right then, her oldest friend, dies... with a smile


One years earlier~

"Come on Louis get up, your gonna to be late for school" said Lilith forcefully pulling my covers.

"Come on sis, five more minutes" I stayed up last night forming battle plans and strategies for an online game.

"It's your own fault for not sleeping early, now get up" she said pulling my sheets away and taking me with them to the cold hard floor.

"Now that wasn't very nice, you know I'll get back at you" I told her mysteriously.

"I'd like to see you try" she said accepting my challenge.

My younger sister, Lilith is strong, she's both the karate junior champ and the Kendou national champion, both her skills with a sword and hand to hand combat are top level.

"Oh I will, you should try beating me before you try acting all cool" even with all my sister's ability, she never beat me once.

30 minutes later~

"I.. I made it" I said out of breath. "That.. was murder, guess I'm gonna have to get up early from now on" someone comes up to me as I was standing in front of the Academy gate.

"You look interesting, so what's your name?" Said the male student.

"I'm Louis, Louis Jazz and what's yours?" I asked.

"the names Jack Diem" he answered with a smug expression "nice to meet you man" he offered me a handshake.

"so is this your first day?" He asked.

"yup..." I answered dejectedly.

"come on man, cheer up! we've got time to have a lot of fun you know "mischievous laugh"

Not true, as we're late for the assembly as it is "we gotta move fast, otherwise we'll get in trouble on our first day" I yelled as we started running.

"So this is it, the sacred Academy Tower" a sarcastic grin appears on my face.

The Academy's said to have been built by the God's descendants, towers as high as the clouds. In a world were fiction is now our reality, we find ourselves living alongside the beings we read about in myths and legend.

Thanks to the advancements of both Science and Faith, we have learned to harness and master the powers that begin to manifest from both worlds merging, and the places where we're trained to master them is known as the towers of Eternity, Tropaion.

 

[TenkoYai_Yuki]

It's my first time writing a book so I'm kinda new to this but I hope you enjoy it and if you have any criticism and or opinions, I'll be happy to listen.
Seeing that this is my first time, I would love the feedback to improve my writing skills.

Thank you for reading 😁

- JY.

 

[Rhenn]

First of all, it's really cool to see other people getting into writing! The premise is interesting - it'd definitely make for a good story with a little polishing.😃
Just a couple of general tips.
-Try and keep tense consistent. The text jumps around between present and future tense which can make the setting unclear sometimes
-Doing a once-over to check for grammar/punctuation and editing would go a long way in improving the quality. (I also highly recommend using a grammar-checker just in case you miss something, we're all human haha)

Me “ ... “

Lines like this are redundant and don't add anything to the story. Removing them or replacing them with a descriptive sentence would help keep the story clear + concise.

[...]"nice to meet you man" he offered me a handshake

Sentences like this that have multiple subjects in can confuse the reader. Consider either splitting the sentence into two separate ones or combining the two ideas, e.g.
1.) "Nice to meet you, man," he said. He offered me a handshake.
or 2.) "Nice to meet you, man," he said, offering me a handshake.

My younger sister, Lilith is strong...

Showing this through actions, rather than straight-up telling the reader would help them get more involved in the character.

Hopefully this helps! Let me know if you have any questions or anything 🤗

-Fei

 

[TenkoYai_Yuki]

Thank you so much for the feedback and advice, it was really easy for me to understand how you broke everything down and I see that I have a lot of work to do.
I'll do my very best to live up to everyone's expectations.

Thank you again for the help.

-JY

 

[TenkoYai_Yuki]

The part where you mentioned ( show them rather than tell them ). It's really interesting and I haven't thought of it before, I'm working on chapter 1 right now and hopefully you'll give me some more feedback later 😊

I really do appreciate your help Fei.

-JY

 

[DANDAN_THE_DANDAN]

@TenkoYai_Yuki Pretty cool. Hopefully you have everything planned out and not just writing on a whim cause I find that the latter makes motivation-loss more likely. I do have a few tips to that will hopefully help.

Screaming at the top of her voice (lu!?) She Started to Break down.

Not really sure what you're trying to do with the () cause I rarely see that in writing. "She Started to Break down" is also weird cause capitalizations are off.

Narrator: right then, her oldest friend, dies... with a smile

First person POVs don't usually just outright tell the readers that the narrator is speaking. The main character in first person is the narrator so it would be better if you just wrote
"And right then, my oldest friend died... with a smile."
See how much more impactful the first person perspective is?

Also, the whole part before the time skip, try and describe the settings more. Remember to use your five senses rather than just sight to describe the world around the characters. At this point, it just seems like the characters are interacting in a placeholder setting.

Describe your world to the readers, otherwise it's just an empty plane.

Good luck!

 

[TenkoYai_Yuki]

Thank you very much for the feedback, this is my first story and I'm still learning but I'll do my best to improve and I'll take all your advice, everyone's too heart.

Thank you very much.

-JY

 

[TenkoYai_Yuki]

At the moment I'm working with both you and fei's (Rhenn) feedback to edit and correct all of the mistakes I made on chapter 0 and use all I learnt to work on Chapter 1.

I may be new at this but I'll work hard, so I hope you'll be able to give me more advice later on as I get better.

Thank you for all your help and support.

-JY